Grandad

Lawrence comes from a wonderful family with a rich heritage.  One of his great grandfathers was a mission president and ran the Polynesian Cultural Center for a time.  Another of his grandfathers was a professor at Ricks.  But this post isn't about them, it's about Grandad Burt.

Grandad Burt recently celebrated his 90th birthday.  This man has seen a lot in his long life.  He has lost siblings, he saw floods, he lived through the Great Depression, he served in WWII, served as a scout master, Fremont School Board member, and as a state representative for Idaho.  Grandad also married a wonderful woman who has been by his side for more than 65 years through many trials, including the loss of a child.  They don't really talk about it, but they miss their Billy.

One of the first dates Lawrence took me on was to play card games with Grandad and Grandma.  I fell in love with these two people instantly.  Grandad and his stories, Grandma and her sweet demeanor and treats (Grandma learned early that I like Cheetos so she always made sure to have some on hand for me).  They have a beautiful home on the Snake River with an immaculate yard that Grandad kept with such care that it made the city work a little harder on its neighboring property.



Grandad recently became very ill.  He was diagnosed with cancer and has been declining over the past few months.  After a lot of family prayer and counsel Grandma and Grandad moved to an assisted living center.  They are visited by family every day and their children (Lawrence's mom, dad, aunts, and uncles) make sure they are well cared for.  We recently visited and I wanted to spend every moment I could in their room.

It is so hard to see Grandad bedridden and wasting away, but the spirit in their room is so incredibly strong.  On Sunday Lawrence and a few of his friends that he plays bluegrass music with went to the Homestead and played music for the residents.  They gathered quite a crowd in the lobby and the residents really seemed to enjoy the music.  When they were done Nyk and Diane were gracious enough to take a little more time to play a few songs for Grandad who was unable to venture out to the lobby.  He smiled so big and I saw the Grandad I met five years ago.  They played three songs for Grandad that were so perfect for their short visit and really seemed to make his day.

One song they played was "Go Gently Sweet Afton."  I have always loved the song, but it means more to me now and makes me cry every time.  While they were playing and singing that song someone else was entertaining Edward and I was able to just enjoy the music and the spirit in the room.  That is when it really hit me, Ethne was there, and had been a lot.  And not only was she there with us, but other angels were visiting as well.  I didn't get a distinct impression as to the identities of the other visitors, but I would be willing to bet that Billy was there too.  After that I didn't want to leave.  It was suddenly an even sweeter place.

Angels do attend us in our times of need and sometimes we don't even know it.

Grandad passed away Wed., May 8, 2013 at 3:30 am.  His obituary can be found here.

Reunited

We love you and will miss you, Grandad, until we meet again.

Making Wishes

Our back yard is covered with dandelions.  I like to think that Ethne sent them just for me (even though the logical side of my brain knows it probably has more to do with the little girls who lived here before. We had the yard power raked and I was afraid that it would kill all the dandelions, but a then next day they started popping right back up.

Today I was out in the yard with Edward and I showed him how to make wishes by blowing the fluff off.  He wasn't really interested in what I wanted to show him and I thought he hadn't watched, but the next thing I knew he was picking up fluffy dandelions and trying to blow them.  He would hold them at arm's length and blow his little heart out, confused that it wasn't working.  I would try to help him, but he would give me a dirty look and keep doing it his way, then tear the little weed to pieces.

When he gives me looks like this he reminds me of Ethne.  She loved blowing dandelions.  She loved flowers, butterflies, dresses, and everything girly.  Edward is a whole new adventure.  He is such a boy.  So busy, loves cars, balls, and climbing.  I love my little boy.  He is so perfect.  But I miss Ethne and I miss her girly-ness.  So I am making wishes that I will have girly again, just as Edward is surely wishing for more dirt, balls, and cars.

"For just as the swan's last song is the sweetest of its life, so loss is made endurable by love and it is love that will echo through eternity."  ~ Call the Midwife

Atonement Talk

As Melissa mentioned a couple of weeks ago, we spoke in church on Easter Sunday.  Afterwards I asked Melissa what she thought about posting our talks on the blog as an Easter message.  She thought that was a good idea and then proceeded to post her talk.  I however have not.  It's easy to make excuses, but I guess it's partially because I'm in front of a computer all day at work and then for school as I am working on a Master's Degree.  So by the time Sunday comes around I am tired of looking at my computer and need a break.  But I do feel a need to post today and will go ahead and post my talk.  The only problem is that when I prepare my talks I just put together a handful of notes, quotes, and stories and then decide what I will use while I am speaking.  With this talk I even came up with a few things that I wasn't planning on saying, so hopefully I will remember it all.

The talk I was given to use was from Elder Packer in the last General Conference (This talk was given the week before General Conference) on the Atonement.  In his talk he stated,

"I speak today to those who may be lost and are searching for that… light to help guide them back.

“It was understood from the beginning that in mortality we would fall short of being perfect. It was not expected that we would live without transgressing one law or another.”

“From the Pearl of Great Price, we understand that “no unclean thing can dwell [in the kingdom of God],” and so a way was provided for all who sin to repent and become worthy of the presence of our Father in Heaven once more.

“A Mediator, a Redeemer, was chosen, one who would live His life perfectly, commit no sin, and offer 'himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered.'”

In  Luke 22:41-44 it states,

41 And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed,

42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

As I read these verses, that Elder Packer also shared, the main them that I feel associated with the Atonement seems to be love.  Elder Packer continues to explain, 

“No matter what our transgressions have been, no matter how much our actions may have hurt others, that guilt can all be wiped out. To me, perhaps the most beautiful phrase in all scripture is when the Lord said, “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”

“That is the promise of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the Atonement: to take anyone who comes, anyone who will join, and put them through an experience so that at the end of their life, they can go through the veil having repented of their sins and having been washed clean through the blood of Christ.”

As I was preparing this talk I realized that I really wanted to focus on the Savior's love for us and its association with the Atonement.  Melissa's talk was more focused on the resurrection, while mine will focus more on the forgiveness of sins, but it all stems from love.

As I was contemplating this love, one scripture instantly came to mind, 1 Nephi 11:13-21.  It states,

13 And it came to pass that I looked and beheld the great city of Jerusalem, and also other cities. And I beheld the city of Nazareth; and in the city of Nazareth I beheld a virgin, and she was exceedingly fair and white.

 14 And it came to pass that I saw the heavens open; and an angel came down and stood before me; and he said unto me: Nephi, what beholdest thou?

 15 And I said unto him: A virgin, most beautiful and fair above all other virgins.

 16 And he said unto me: Knowest thou the condescension of God?

 17 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

 18 And he said unto me: Behold, the virgin whom thou seest is the mother of the Son of God, after the manner of the flesh.

 19 And it came to pass that I beheld that she was carried away in the Spirit; and after she had been carried away in the Spirit for the space of a time the angel spake unto me, saying: Look!

 20 And I looked and beheld the virgin again, bearing a child in her arms.

 21 And the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father! Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw?

"Knowest thou the condescension of God?"  What an interesting question.  As we read that question, do we ever take time to think about what is being asked?  What is condescension?  If we think about someone who is being condescending we think of them looking down on others.  So the condescension of God would be him lowering himself, but to what?  Elder Bruce R. McConkie gave some insight into this in a devotional he gave to BYU students titled Knowest Thou the Condescension of God.  He stated,

“What, then, is the condescension of God? As I understand the definition of condescension, it is the act of descending to a lower and less dignified state; of waiving the privileges of one’s rank and status; of bestowing honors and favors upon one of lesser stature or status.   

“So if we are going to speak of the condescension of God, meaning that of our Eternal
Father, we must first know the nature and kind of being he is. We must come to know the dignity and majesty and glory that attend him, of the things that he had and is doing for us and for all his children and in all eternity among all his creations.

"When we think of him, we think of the most noble and exalted being there is. Then we read this question, 'Knowest thou the condescension of God?' and discover that somehow it is associated with his love for us, his children, his spirit children who are now dwelling as mortals here on earth. We discover in our text that he shall be the Father of a Son born 'after the manner of the flesh'; that is, he condescends, in his infinite wisdom, to be the Father of a holy being who shall be born into mortality."

Now that we have a better understanding of what the condescension of God is, let's look at how Nephi answered this question.  Now look at verse 22 to find out.

 22 And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things.

"The love of God." He condescended below all things out of love.  Do we think of how significant that is.  Love brings us the Atonement, Christ suffered because of love, and through our love for him he allows us to partake of the Fruit which is the Atonement and forgiveness.

I would now like to share some examples of love and the Atonement.  People who loved the Savior and allowed his love to take care of them.

The first person is a man I new on my mission, Necho.  Necho lived in a small town and was known by everyone there.  He had a strong reputation for drinking and abusing drugs.  In this town of Benito Juarez, the gospel had made various attempts to grow, but had not been very successful. The missionaries had been there and opened a branch a couple of different times, but the missionaries would eventually be pulled and the branch shut down.  They decided to try again.  Necho's wife had been baptized at some point and was going to church on Sundays after Necho would leave to go play Soccer.  One of his friends saw her and reported to Necho that she was leaving to go be with the Mormons while he was gone, so he forbade her from going to church again.  A couple of weeks later the missionaries went to visit Necho's wife to see what had happened to her.  She explained the situation and the asked her if they could meet Necho.  She told them that it was a bad idea and that he would run them out of town.  They said that they were not worried about it.  Then her parents told them that he would run them out of town, but this did not stop the missionaries.  The day came when they met Necho.  Necho admitted that he was ready to run them out of town, but for some reason he sat there and listened to what they had to say.  Eventually they would teach him about the Word of Wisdom.  He said that from that point he dropped all of the drugs and vices he had in his life.  The only thing that happened from that point was he found himself suffering from such withdrawals that he stole a canister of coffee, which he never used and eventually went back to the store to reconcile. 

Once he allowed the Atonement take affect into his life, and felt the love of the Savior he fully dedicated his life to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Everywhere we went in the town people were aware of his transformation to sobriety, he was always introducing us to people that he had been talking to about the gospel, at any moment either he or his wife would drop what they were doing and go with the missionaries to teach.  As a family they felt the love of the Atonement in their lives.

The next example I want to share comes from the life of president Spencer W. Kimball.  The story was told by the former presiding bishop, Vaugh J. Featherstone.  To summarize the story, he talked about a couple that came in from CA to talk with Bro. Featherstone.  He had just taught that every major transgression must be confessed in conference, the couple was there to confess.  43 Years prior they had committed fornication once before getting married.  The bishop and stake president knew them, so they signed their recommends without asking any questions.  They were sealed in the temple, and on their honeymoon they determined to give every particle of their lives to serve and repent.  They did all they were asked and then some, they didn’t even go to the temple for a year as part of their repentance.  They both served in leadership callings, they felt that they had repented, but that they still needed to confess.  Usually they are referred to the bishop, but this time an exception was made by Bishop Fetaherstone.  He called Pres. Kimball and explained the situation and asked if he could just close this for the couple through his common judgeship.  At that point Pres. Kimball asked to see them.  You can imagine what was going through everyone's mind at that point.  They went to his office and he visited with them sweetly and then asked the man “have you suffered equal to the transgression?”
The man responded “We think we have suffered many times more.”
“Have you prayed for forgiveness?”
“We haven’t offered a prayer in 43 where we haven’t asked for forgiveness”
“Can I have a prayer with you?”
They agreed to Pres. Kimball's request.  The main thing Bishop Featherstone remembered about the prayer was that it started with, “Heavenly Father, we love thee.”
Now I must add something else that Bishop Featherstone taught about the prophet.  He reminded the students that the prophet is the only person on the earth who can forgive sins on behalf of the Lord – all others judges in Israel forgive for the church.
At that point he went to the husband, shook his hand and told him to forgive himself and his wife and never think about it again, “You are forgiven.”  He then went to the wife and told her  the same thing.

These experiences came from love. 

In 1 Cor.  6:20 it states,

 20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.

Because we were bought with a price through the Atonement we are able to feel the Saviors love in our lives.  Not only does his love provide us with security and forgiveness when we make a mistake, but his love also prepares us for the future.  Melissa told you about the accident and that we lost our little girl, now I will talk about how the Saviors love prepared me for what was about to happen.  Understand that you can never be fully prepared for an experience of this magnitude, but everything that could have been done to prepare me was. 

About a year before the accident I felt a very strong prompting that I needed to spend more time in the Temple.  I talked to Melissa about it and decided to talk to the bishop about volunteering in the temple.  We filled out some paperwork, and I was soon called to serve as an ordinance worker.  I was thrilled to serve in the temple.  I was able to go to the temple almost every week for just under a year.  Then my work situation changed I had to ask to be released.  While there, I discovered multiple podcasts that were released by the church, many of them through BYU.  These podcasts allowed me to learn concepts and principles of the gospel and to learn and grow in the way that I needed to in order to be there for my family after the accident. 

While serving in the temple, I was able to feel the presence of others beyond the veil as I served them.  This has been important to me as I have continued to go to the temple to not only feel close to those who are receiving the ordinances of the gospel, but to feel closer to my little girl and the work she is doing as well. 

God's love prepares us for the trials we will face, as long as we are listening to what we need to do in order to prepare for those challenges.

Before closing, I wanted to share a new tradition in my family that we decided to start this year.  Every year in our family, at Christmas time, we read Luke 2 and watch Mr. Kruger's Christmas.  I realized the other day that we don't read anything special for Easter.  The problem is that the story of the death and resurrection of the Savior is told differently in each gospel and they all have important elements.  How could I combine them so that they could be included into one story.  Then I found a talk by President James E. Faust, it was given at BYU as a devotional right after he was called as an Apostle.  I thought about reading it here to all of you, but there is not enough time.  Instead I would just encourage all of you to find this talk, or share a similar tradition with your family every year.

I am so grateful for the Atonement and the love of the Savior.  I know that through his love we can grow and be forgiven.  Through his love we can also be prepared for trials that are coming our way.  He loves us and wants us to be forgiven and return with him.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Counting

Sunday's lesson in Relief Society was on Faithfulness in times of Trial (you can click the link to read it).

I will be honest, for a little while there, I struggled.  I went to church every Sunday.  I was praying and reading scriptures with my family.  I was going to the temple.  But I was angry, hurt, filled with guilt, and depressed.  Going to church, seeing all those happy families-- many with their little girls Ethne's age (and other children)-- was hard and sometimes made me even more angry (which lead to more guilt, more depression...).  Lawrence, at one point, said he felt like he was dragging me, and to a certain extent he was.  I'm not sure exactly when or how it happened, but the anger started to go away.  I was (and am) still sad.  I still feel guilt sometimes.  But once the anger started to go away things started to get better.  Maybe it had something to do with getting past that first year, maybe it had to do with the verbal smack from Lawrence telling me that I needed to do something different, maybe it had to do with the realization (after the smacking) that a lot of the anger I was feeling was probably coming from Satan.  Once I realized that I knew I had to fight it because I won't get to be with my Princess again if I let Satan into my heart, maybe it was something Lawrence said to me after a visit to the temple not long ago, or maybe it is a combination of all these.  Either way, I'm glad it has mostly gone.  It makes for a happier me, a happier Lawrence, and a happier home.

I suppose in some ways I was faithful in that time of this trial (I don't believe that this trial will ever really end until I get to see Ethne again).  I was doing a lot of the things we are counseled to do, but I was just going through the motions.  I wasn't really listening to the talks and lessons in church.  I wasn't really paying much attention to the scriptures I was reading.  I was a bump on a log.  I'm not entirely sure I would consider this real faithfulness.

I feel like I am getting better.  I have started more consistent personal scripture study and prayer.  I am paying attention and participating in church.  I have more of a desire to attend the temple.  I feel lighter. I feel more like myself.

The closing song was Count Your Blessings.  So many things have taken on new or more meaning now.

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev'ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

[Chorus]
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

Since the accident I have been discouraged, thought all was lost, and felt burdened with a load of care.  The cross I have been called to bear has seemed unbearably heavy.  I have looked at others, not necessarily with their lands and gold, but with their little Princesses that are happy, healthy, and alive and felt that hole in my life.  But I am learning to count my blessings more often.  I have been thinking of the wealth untold and the home on high I have been promised and I am working hard to obtain it.  Despite an incredibly great loss I am so blessed with a rambunctious and adorable little boy, a loving and hardworking husband, amazing and supportive family and in-laws, countless talents, a beautiful home, and an angel princess (just to name a few.  Count your many blessings and I promise it will bring you help and comfort to see what God has done in your life.

Talking in Church

Sorry for the lack of posts, we've been busy.  We moved about a month ago and blogging has fallen by the wayside.  As per LDS tradition Lawrence and I were asked to speak in church shortly after our move and to introduce ourselves to the ward.  So we spoke, on Easter Sunday.

This was a talk I was prepared for, but not at the same time.  For about a week and a half I debated what to say when I introduced our family.  I just wasn't sure if I was ready for everyone to know about Ethne.  I was hesitant to see the looks of pity and the awkward apologies, but all the same I knew I would eventually have to share with at least some people about Ethne.  Then I started writing my talk and it came so fast and so easy.  I knew i had to share our story.  I couldn't deny Ethne and by not telling people about her that was what I was doing.

We were given two talks to choose from for our talks.  Mine was He is Risen by Pres. Monson,

given April 2010.  Here is the majority of my talk.  I left out our family introduction and my little disclaimer about how I talk fast when I get nervous.  Lawrence's talk will come in a few days.

Resurrection is defined, by Miriam Webster as the rising of Christ from the dead or the rising again to life of all the human dead before the final judgment.  The Bible dictionary further explains with this “The Resurrection consists in the uniting of a spirit body with a body of flesh and bones, never again to be divided.  The Resurrection shall come to all, because of Christ’s victory over death. Jesus Christ was the first to be resurrected on this earth.  Others had been brought back from death but were restored to mortality, whereas a resurrection means to become immortal, with a body of flesh and bone.”  “To obtain a resurrection with a celestial, exalted body is the center point of hope in the gospel of Jesus Christ. The Resurrection of Jesus is the most glorious of all messages to mankind.”

 

A little over a year ago I found myself in a somewhat unique and very difficult position—one that I would not wish on even my worst enemies.  A little over a year ago I found myself contemplating life, its meaning, and our purpose here on this earth.  I found myself trying to understand the meaning of death and searching desperately for what President Monson calls “that noonday sun of revelation, by which we know that we lived before our birth into mortality…” that knowledge that “we shouted for joy because of the opportunity to come to this challenging yet necessary mortal existence.”  And seriously revisiting my testimony that “not only would [Christ] atone for our sins, but as part of that Atonement, He would also overcome the physical death to which we would be subject because of the fall of Adam.”  A little over a year ago I was facing the most difficult trial I had ever and likely will ever face in my life.  I needed my testimony of the Gospel, the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and the Resurrection then more that ever because, you see, my little girl, my precious Ethne, was taken from this mortal existence—and because of the Atonement, Resurrection and covenants my husband and I made in the temple I will get to be with my little girl again.

Feb. 6, 2012 started out as any other Monday had for the last few months.  Lawrence Got up around 4 and got ready for work, then just before leaving Ethne woke up.  We had family prayer and Ethne gave her daddy a big hug and kiss.  Lawrence admonished her to be good and said, “love you Princess.” To which Ethne replied, “lub you Daddy.”  I turned on a show for Ethne and we cuddled in my bed for a few hours, until I had to get up to get ready for work.  We all got dressed and out the door to my parents’ house where Ethne and Edward would spend a few hours while I taught music at a local charter school.  After school I went to pick the kids up.  We had loaded everyone in their car seats and headed home when tragedy struck.  At the intersection of U-111 (bacchus highway) and Old Bingham a cement truck t-boned the driver’s side of my little dodge stratus.  Emergency vehicles were called to the scene, someone called Lawrence, and Ethne and I were both life-flighted to Primary children’s and the U of U hospitals.  We both suffered many serious injuries but unfortunately Ethne’s were worse and she did not make it.  I spent a week in the hospital followed by months of physical therapy and many follow-up doctor visits.  Edward escaped with a minor concussion and a few stitches on his scalp.   I could probably give a whole talk on the power of the priesthood and the things it did for me following this accident, but I will leave that for another time.

Following the accident I really struggled.  I was so heartbroken over the loss of my little girl and for a time I really struggled with my testimony.  But my amazing husband, who is stronger that I ever realized, helped me regain my testimony by constantly sharing his and always loving me.  Through his testimony and patience I have been able to learn and strengthen my testimony that, because of our Savior Jesus Christ I will be reunited with my little girl—as we can read in D&C 76 For all the rest shall be ^abrought forth by the resurrection of the dead, through the ^btriumph and the glory of the Lamb, who was slain, who was in the bosom of the Father ^cbefore the worlds were made.

President Monson shares this about the death and resurrection:

“No words in Christendom mean more to me than those spoken by the angel to the weeping Mary Magdalene and the other Mary when, on the first day of the week, they approached the tomb to care for the body of their Lord. Spoke the angel:

“Why seek ye the living among the dead?

“He is not here, but is risen.” ¹²

Our Savior lived again. The most glorious, comforting, and reassuring of all events of human history had taken place—the victory over death. The pain and agony of Gethsemane and Calvary had been wiped away. The salvation of mankind had been secured. The Fall of Adam had been reclaimed.

The empty tomb that first Easter morning was the answer to Job’s question, “If a man die, shall he live again?” To all within the sound of my voice, I declare, If a man die, he shall live again. We know, for we have the light of revealed truth.

“For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead.

“For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive.” 1 Cor. 15:21-22.

Just like President Monson I have read and believe the testimonies of those who experienced the grief of Christ’s crucifixion and death.  I understand the pain of Mary, Christ’s mother at the loss of a child.  And I believe in the hope the Resurrection gives to our mortal life.  I can only imagine the joy Mary felt as the angel declared to her that her son was living and she was able to see and be with him again, even if only for a short time.  I take comfort in the knowledge that my family has been sealed together for all eternity and that, one day, I will be greeted by the tender hug of my angel baby.  In my deepest hours of sorrow I have received profound comfort from the words of the angel that first Easter morning, “He is not here: for He has risen.”  I join my testimony to that of Joseph Smith found in D&C 76:22 “And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the ^atestimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he ^blives!”  I know that my Savior Jesus Christ lives and that through him I can live again and can be with my family through all eternity.

~Melissa

The Cemetery

Since the accident it has been amazing the things I have realized about death and life after death.  Things that I had heard my whole life all of a sudden were being seen in a different light.  One of the biggest examples of this is how I see cemeteries. 

I know that cemeteries are usually shown as scary and dark in movies, but for me they were just a place where I would go with my family and we talk about some of our ancestors.  That all changed after Ethne's funeral.

In the dedicatory prayer at her graveside, that spot was blessed to be a sacred spot and that people who visit that spot would recognize it as sacred.  Since then I have found myself thinking of that prayer often and it has helped me realize something about cemeteries in general, the are holy places.  The sacredness of cemeteries increased when I realized that a cemetery is actually temple ground.  The bodies of great people are buried there, including Ethne's. 

As I was gaining the realization if how sacred the ground that holds Ethne is my visits started to change.  Every time I would go out to go see her I would think of the following scripture:

2 And the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush: and he looked, and, behold, the bush burned with fire, and the bush was not consumed.

 3 And Moses said, I will now turn aside, and see this great sight, why the bush is not burnt.

 4 And when the Lord saw that he turned aside to see, God called unto him out of the midst of the bush, and said, Moses, Moses. And he said, Here am I.

 5 And he said, Draw not nigh hither: put off thy shoes from off thy feet, for the place whereon thou standest is holy ground.

(Exodus 3:2-5)

In thinking of a cemetery and connecting it with temples, I realized that the other times I think of this scripture is whenever I take off my shoes in the temple.   After all, I am standing on holy ground.  So last spring I started taking off my shoes every time I went to visit Ethne.  When it started to snow Melissa told me I had to leave my shoes on, but now that it's starting to dry up a little, I will be taking my shoes off again.  

I would like to invite all of you to do the same.  Next time you go to visit a loved one at the cemetery, take off your shoes and remember that "the place whereupon thou standest is holy ground."

Prayers please

Today the  Boone family sent a sweet angel up to heaven.  Mom is recovering from an emergency c-section and dad will be wrangling 4 little kiddos and helping them through this loss.  Please pray for mom's recovery and for the family to receive comfort in this difficult time.  We love you!

Spencer W. Kimball

I've been planning on writing this post for a long time, but always had other things on my mind, so I put it off.  Today, however, I can't think of anything else I was planning on writing about.  I'll take that as a sign. 

President Spencer W. Kimball was the prophet when I was born, but he died when I was only a couple of years old.  I have no memories of seeing or hearing him while he was alive.  A couple of years ago I discovered a podcast  titled "Classic Speeches."  This podcast is comprised of talks and speeches given at BYU as far back as the 1950's.  Through this podcast, I feel I have been given an opportunity to get to know many of the general authorities from before my time.  Some of my favorite speakers that I have listened to are Elder Hugh B. Brown, Elder LeGrand Richards, and President Ezra Taft Benson (I do remember seeing him in conference, but he died when I was still in elementary school). 

Of all of these talks, my favorites have been those given by President Spencer W. Kimball.  I still remember the first talk of his I heard.  I didn't know who I was listening to, and I remember asking myself who was this man with the harsh voice.  I then proceeded to listen to one of the most powerful speakers I ever heard.  After that, every time I saw a talk by President Kimball come up, I felt some excitement build as I would download the podcast and then listen to it.



Flash back to a few years ago, when I first got back from my mission.  I took a religion class titled "Teachings of the Living Prophets" from my old seminary teacher, Brother  Chelson.  In this class we studied and discussed the teachings of each member of the first presidency and quorum of the 12 apostles that were currently living.  At one point we talked about the calling of an apostle we were asked to read in President Kimball's biography about his being called as an apostle to gain some insight. 

Since the accident, I have been doing a lot of reading.  Since I had read some of President Kimball's story, and I had grown to enjoy his words so much, I decided I wanted to know more about his life.

As I read, it amazed me how much he seemed to worry about how inadequate he felt as he continued to grow.  With everything that I have felt I've had to do since Melissa's accident I have also felt inadequate about my church service, being able to take care of my family, and so many other aspects of my life.  I have especially struggled with worries about the type of father I was to Ethne.  I constantly find myself critiquing the time I spent with her, and trying to do things differently with Edward.  It was comforting to know that someone who had lived his life so well and worked so hard to serve the Lord felt some of the same things I have felt. 

One aspect of his story that really effected me was with President Kimball's father.  His father was not a stranger to loosing loved ones.  He lost both children and wives.  Even with all of those loses, he said that he couldn't complain because of how much the Lord had blessed him.  Seeing the strength demonstrated in President Kimball's family makes it obvious to me how he grew to become such a great leader.  I also saw this admirable quality in his father.  Some days it's hard to think of what was taken in order for us to receive some of the blessing we have, but I keep reminding myself that they are blessing and that even the best blessings are still to come. 

If you have not yet had the chance to read Spencer W. Kimball I recommend that you do.  Take a look into the life of this magnificent Prophet who has left behind a great legacy of love that everyone can learn from. 

My Reason

Anyone who know me knows that I love music and that I kinda like Josh Groban.  This single was released about a month ago and the first time I listened to it it made me cry.  I couldn't help but think of my reason.  So much of this song rings so true to me.  There have been days when I have wanted to run away and pretend that this last year didn't happen, but even if I did I can't hide forever from it.  But I have a reason to face this trial and be brave, in fact, I have three.  I don't understand why I have been handed this trial, why I was made a member of this awful club that no one wants to be part of, but these three make it possible for me to stand up and face to storm.  These three are my reason to be brave.

-Melissa

In the News

Not too long ago I did an interview for the bracelets and Tie tacks I sell and donate.  Here is a link to the video.  Thank you all for your continues love and support.

Yesterday

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday."  (The Beatles)

Yesterday was a long day for me.  I tried to pretend it wouldn't happen.  Maybe if I didn't think about it it would just go away (see, there's that denial again).  People asked me what I wanted to do, if we had any plans, how i was going to handle it, etc.  The only thing I knew was that I didn't want it to happen. Part of me wanted to stay in bed all day, possible in a Xanax-induced stupor, but I knew that wasn't really an option.  So, instead, I kept busy.  If I was busy I didn't really have time to think about it, right?  I worked on bracelets and tie tacks, I played with my little man, I read, I avoided the internet, I tried not to think.  But before too long I couldn't ignore it any more.  We bought flowers, we cried, we visited the cemetery.  My sweet husband sped past cement trucks when I hyperventilated, hugged me when I cried, gave me space when I needed space, and didn't ask me to cook dinner.

Everyone says that we've now survived the hardest year of our lives.  I sure hope they're right.  WHile I was reading my scriptures yesterday I couldn't help but think that the chapters I was reading were meant for me to read yesterday.  In the Book of Mormon I was reading in Mosiah chapters 3 and 4:

3:16 And even if it were possible that little ^achildren could sin they could not be saved; but I say unto you they are ^bblessed; for behold, as in Adam, or by nature, they fall, even so the blood of Christ ^catoneth for their sins.

and 3:18 "...and the infant perisheth not that dieth in his infancy;.."

I needed that yesterday.  Things that I have heard so many times, but somehow have been made more poignant this past year.  I've learned a lot about myself, about my family, about my husband, and about my Savior.

Some final thoughts:

"President Joseph F. Smith [said]: 'I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves.'”

"Relationships can be strengthened through the veil with people we know and love. That is done by our determined effort to continually do what is right. We can strengthen our relationship with the departed individual we love by recognizing that the separation is temporary and that covenants made in the temple are eternal."  -- Elder Scott

I am so thankful that I waited for the right man at the right time and that we married in the temple for time and for all eternity.  I am so thankful that this covenant applies not only to my sweetheart and best friend, but to my beautiful children.  I am so thankful for my understanding husband who has been, and will continue to be, so patient with me.  I am thankful for my beautiful angle and my busy little boy, and for any other children I may be blessed with.  I am thankful for amazing family and friends who love, support, and pray for my family.  And last, but most certainly not least, I am so thankful for a loving Father in Heaven and older brother, Jesus Christ, who make it possible for me to have my family for all eternity.

One Year Later

Its been a while since my last post.  I've sat down to start a couple of times, but just haven't had a chance to write what I wanted to.  The last couple of days I have been thinking a lot about what I wanted to say today.  I thought a lot about the accident and the events that transpired.  I've thought about the Good Samaritan that responded as soon as the accident happened.  He called me to let me know what happened, and watched over my family while the fire department showed up.  I remember him telling me that Melissa was awake and that she gave him my number and that our little boy was in the back seat crying.  I asked him about Ethne and he didn't know what to say, he just wasn't sure.  He finally saw that she was breathing, but she was not responsive.  While waiting at the scene I wasn't sure what to do.  At first I didn't call anyone because I didn't want them to stress or worry, but then I realized that my family, who may not be alive at the end of the day, needed all the prayers that they could get.  As we sat there waiting for any information, I heard a helicopter fly over.  At first I thought it was maybe a news team, but quickly realized that Ethne was going to go in that helicopter.  About that time we found out that Melissa was in critical condition and would be flown to the hospital as well.  The next couple of nights I would stay awake in Melissa's room and listen as the helicopters were continually leaving and coming back.  I arrived at the hospital and was informed that a couple of miraculous events transpired on the helicopter that kept Ethne alive until she made it to the hospital.  I think she needed to be alive until we arrived to see Edward.  Right after I saw Edward and was able to hold him, the doctors had informed me of Ethne's passing.  Then came the agony of waiting to hear how Melissa was doing.

I still have flashbacks to what happened that day.  I still see Ethne's body wrapped up in a blanket as I held her.  I still remember seeing Melissa's cousin and brother watching over Edward with there wives as I ran around not knowing what to do next.  I remember the support of family members who have also lost children being right there for us.  Dropping everything just come and sit with me in silence.  I still even think about the driver of the truck and pray that he finds some comfort as well.

I want to thank everyone who has prayed for us, offered some form of aid to help us with medical and other bills, who have told us that our names are on the prayer roles of many different temples, and especially our families who have been so patient and understanding as we have had to face this struggle.

Before closing, I want to share an experience I had yesterday.  Its kind of personal, and I wasn't sure I was going to, but I think it could help someone who may suffer something similar.

Before going to work every morning (at least since the accident) I have been waking everyone up for family scripture and prayer.  I think its partially because my last memory of Ethne was because she woke up and we decided to get Edward and have prayer as a family, instead of just Melissa and I.  As I woke him, he laid in his bed for a minute, stretched, and then rubbed his eyes.  He then proceeded to get up and, as he usually does, reach out for my hand to keep his balance as he walks towards me with his arms out.  As he did this, I was reminded of a story that I heard in a recording from President Ezra Taft Benson.

"In a certain home, a little boy, the only son, was ill with an incurable disease. Month after month the mother had tenderly nursed him, but as the weeks went by and he grew no better, the little fellow gradually began to understand the meaning of death and he, too, realized that soon he was to die. One day his mother had been reading the story of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, and as she closed the book the boy lay silent for a moment, then asked the question that had been laying on his heart. 'Mother, what is it like to die? Mother, does it hurt?' Quick tears filled her eyes. She sprang to her feet and fled to the kitchen, supposedly to go get something. She prayed on the way a silent prayer that the Lord would tell her what to say, and the Lord did tell her. Immediately she knew how to explain it to him. She said, as she returned from the kitchen, 'Kenneth, you will remember when you were a little boy, you would play so hard you were too tired to undress and you tumbled into your mother's bed and fell asleep. In the morning you would wake up and much to your surprise, you would find yourself in your own bed. In the night your father would pick you up in his big, strong arms and carry you to your own bedroom. Kenneth, death is like that; we just wake up one morning to find ourselves in the room where we belong because the Lord Jesus loves us.' The lad's shining face looked up and told her there would be no more fear, only love and trust in his heart as he went to meet the Father in heaven. He never questioned again and several weeks later he fell asleep, just as she had said. This is what death is like."

I thought of this story as I helped Edward wake up yesterday.  Then I thought, as Ethne woke up, who held her hand as as she awoke?  I would like to think that, if it wasn't the Savior himself, that it was a family member.  Maybe a cousin, an uncle, and an ancestor that has had influence on our lives.  Thinking that it was someone in our family who has passed on and we can still feel close to helps me feel even more comfort that she is being taken care of and guided still today. 

We still love and pray for you princess.

- Lawrence

Ethne's Daddy

One year ago today I learned the true character of my son-in-law.  All I can say is I am blessed to have him in our family.  Thank you Lawrence for being Melissa's husband and Ethne and Edward's father. 

Shauna

Thinking Out Loud

I've been thinking and I need to put some of it down.

Wondering if this blog does good for anyone but me.  Wondering if anyone other than my family and a few friends really read this.

Today was my niece's 4th birthday, a birthday my little girl won't get to celebrate.

Having an eternal family helps me in my grief.  I see others who are living with a loss like ours who don't have the Gospel and they seem to struggle with it more.  I still cry every day, but it still seems like they have a harder time than I do.  And then I wonder if this makes me seem like I'm not grieving.

I miss my little girl.  I miss buying girly toys and books.  I miss buying girly clothes.  I miss her girly giggle and her girly run.   I miss painting her nails and putting piggies in her hair (or lack thereof).  I miss bed time prayers and morning snuggles.  My sweet niece (and her mom) lets me do some of these things, but she's just not mine and that means it's not quite the same.














My SIL and her family (including my niece) are moving to Germany for three years.  I'm happy for them and the adventures they will have, but I'm sad for me because one of my best friends will be half-way around the world and I'm going to miss them all.





We are going to be moving some time in the near future.  I'm excited and scared all the same.  We will be leaving the apartment Ethne helped us pick.  We will be leaving the wards who helped and supported us before, during, and after the accident.  We will meet new people who never knew Ethne and likely won't know about the accident.  But we will have a home of our own and a fresh start.







The closer we get to next Wed. the more I find myself crying.  I can't believe it's been almost a year.

The LDS church publishes magazines for edification and uplifting.  the February issue has two great articles.  Here and here.



I'm turning my brain off for a little bit now.